Topical Torpedoes

Dear Mr. President

Dear President Obama:

I understand you will be making several big speeches in the Middle East. The president of my Rotary Club once gave me some good advice for public speaking: open with a joke. It breaks the tension. It gets the audience on your side. A witty joke lets people know you're a "regular fellow" - just like them! I wrote some jokes for you to use. I don't want any money. (I'm not like those GM guys!) I don't even want any credit. I feel its my duty as an American to contribute. Here you go. Don't for get to pause for laughs or you'll spoil the effect.

"You, in America when a black man is surrounded by guys in flowing white robes, it also means he's about to give a big speech - his last words!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)

"Everywhere I go in the Muslim world, my Arab friends ask me the same question: 'If you're the most powerful man in the world, how come you let your wife dress like a prostitute?' Well, our Constitution guarantees the right to bear arms!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)

"I have to admit, it IS a bit of a culture shock to come to a country where all the women dress like Darth Vadar!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)

"I get a little nervous before speeches. I read a book on public speaking that suggested one way settle your nerves is to imagine that your audience is naked. Of course, that means you'd have to stone me to death!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)

"Our two countries have a lot in common in that we both worship Mohammed. Of course, I still remember him as Cassius Clay!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)

"In an effort to strengthen ties between our two countries, I'd like you to know that I've switched to Camel cigarettes! (Beat, then tag it.) In America, we have a saying: 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel!" Dick Cheney can't take four steps without experiencing crushing chest pains!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)

"Maybe you've heard that General Motors is bankrupt. GM made those gas guzzling cars that kept made you guys rich. But don't worry - American always has, and always will, stand for really crappy mileage!" (Pause for translation and applause.)

"I bring to you a far more nuanced understanding of our relationship with the oil producing nations than the previous administration. George Bush's energy policies were largely based upon watching reruns of "The Beverly Hillbillies."

"I realize that my tour of the Middle East is creating a lot of controversy. But don't worry. I'm not on a 'crusade.' In fact, we're allies against a common enemy that threatens our very existence: The Toyota Prius!" (Pause for translation and laughs.)

Good luck, Mr. President! Don't forget - practice makes perfect!

Ban

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad banned Facebook. This is a disaster for free speech. Now I'm never going to find out what Mahmoud's all-time top 5 heavy metal albums are.

Rush Limbaugh opened up the conservative war on Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor by invoking his catch phrase: "I hope she fails." It's the exact same thing he said to Jenny Craig.

North Korea tested an underground nuclear weapon last week. It was a success. Where's Rush Limbaugh when we really need him?

Did you hear this? Bristol Palin's dad, Todd Palin, repeatedly offered to buy his daughter a car if she would break up with Levi. If his wife had won the election, he could've given her GM.

Judge Sotomayor is Puerto Rican and she says she loves her country's traditional cuisine, including pigs tongue and ears with beans, pigs feet with beans and pig intestines with beans. I guess the number one question at the confirmation hearings will be "okay - who farted?"

The Gillette Corporation is reaching out to a new market - people who shave their entire bodies. They've posted a YouTube video called "How to Shave Your Groin." Gillette recommends short light strokes. The next video will explain the technique for shaving your palms.

Here Come Da Judge

President Obama nominated federal appellate court judge Sonia Sotomayor to the United State Supreme Court Tuesday, thus clearing the way for a Hispanic woman to undergo the worst job interview ever.

Sotomayor is a self-made woman who grew up in the projects, has said that her struggles will enable her to reach better conclusions as a judge that a white male. That should go over well with the Republicans in Congress.

Better conclusions that a white male. When Joe Biden heard that he said, "Whoa. This chick better learn to watch her mouth."

Of the course, the Republicans have already launched their so-called strategy, which is to portray Sotomayor as a liberal-activist-lesbian kook who will throw open the borders, legalize government funded abortions, mandate gay marriage and authorize airport security to strip search white males. Hey, it could happen.

The California Supreme Court upheld the ban on gay marriage. If they'd overturned the ban, God would've punished the state with fires, floods, earthquakes and financial ruin.

I've heard on Fox News that God is on our side in the war on terrorism. Question: how come we haven't won yet? I'll tell you why - Haliburton is three years behind schedule and $1 billion over budget on the Ark of the Covenant.

Wise Crack

About the worst thing you can call a woman these days is "crack whore." The the lowest form of prostitution. Not all whores are crack whores. But all whores are crack dealers.

Dick Cheney's anti-terror publicity tour continues. Tomorrow, he'll be on the Martha Stewart show beating the crap out of light summer salads.

Did you hear about this primate fossil? Forty-seven million years old. Apparently, it's a missing link between monkeys and humans. Scientists named it Ida. They're saying she's either a great aunt of the human race or one of Larry King's early wives.

Ida is a fossil and a superstar. She's bringing more media heat than Oprah. There's even talk that Ida will be the first non-living thing to make the cover of People magazine since Keith Richards.

This fossil is so perfectly preserved that you can even see what this monkey-thing had for its last meal. Fruits and vegetables, apparently. That's the big National Enquirer story: "Lost Weight Fast with the Missing Link Diet."

The Irish Reformation

Guantanamo Bay is no picnic, but hey - it's not like it's an Irish reform school. There's a new report out that documents 50 years of systematic physical, sexual and emotional abuse at Irish Reform schools. Rapes, beatings, humiliation, forced labor. Shocking. I had no idea Haliburton was even in the education business.

Have you read this report? It documents pervasive, excessive and arbitrary punishment going back to the 1930s. I think this is heading towards a conclusion none of us really want to confront: a U2 benefit concert.

The Catholic Church ran those schools. So it's another PR debacle for Christianity. The church defended its enhanced educational techniques, saying that the schools were tough, but according to John Woo, it wasn't torture.

Well, if we close Guantanamo Bay, at least we know where to send the terrorists. I say turn these guys over to the Sisters of Mercy.

One woman said she spent 18 years manufacturing rosaries - and that she was humiliated, beaten and raped whether she made her daily quota or not. If you happen to have one of those rosaries, it's easy to tell. Your prayers are answered by Dick Cheney.

A man who spent five years in schools run by the Christian Brothers said he was forced to wrap his urine stained sheets around his neck and parade in front of the other children when he'd wet his bed. Jesus hated poor bladder control.

George Bush told a group of graduating high school seniors in New Mexico that being an ex-president is liberating. He said he even enjoys walking his dog and scooping up doo-doo in a plastic bag. He said it's a lot easier than cleaning up after Cheney.

Cheney gave a big speech defending the use of harsh interrogation, which has kept the country safe and saved hundreds of thousands of lives over the last eight years. Now he says it's time to deal with the next threat: Mexicans with runny noses.

Cheney called America "a good country" and a "force for good in the world" because we stand for liberty, for human rights and the rational peaceful resolution of differences. And know you know why we started two wars, suspended habeas corpus, established secret prisons and slammed people into a few walls.

In the phrase "force for good," the accent belongs on "force."

California Ballot

California is placing several ballot initiatives in front of voters today. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said voters need to pass these initiative to balance California's budget. At least, that's what we think he said. We're still waiting for the English translation. Here's a quick overview of the ballot propositions:

1A Allows teachers to seize student lunch money for pension fund.

2C Permits legislature to bet lottery funds at Harrah's sports book.

4D Requires homeless to give 10 percent of aluminum cans to state treasury.

FU Creates 33% percent tax on cigarettes. Portion of funds will be used for "Start Smoking California" campaign.

7R Legalizes and taxes pot. Marks fundamental change in California tax strategy - from "Soak the Rich" to "Sock it to The Stoners."

8P Creates job program for California's who fail their urine tests as a result of Prop. 7R.

36DD Taxes lap dances.

The National Distraction

The best solution to the debate on torture is so stop, then release all photos and documents. Secrecy fuels the controversy. We need to remove this distraction so that the nation can resume debate on more important topics, such as celebrity breast implants.

General Motors is closing 1,100 dealerships around the country. You know what this means? We're finally going to see a legitimate going out of business sale.

Vice President Joe Biden's lips are on the loose again. Talking to companions at the Gridiron Dinner, the vice president may have revealed the location of the vice president's secret bunker - reportedly where Dick Cheney holed up during the 9-11 attacks. Biden said the room was full of radio equipment, a EKG machine and Cheney's coffin.

Speaking at the White House Correspondent's Dinner, President Obama said that Biden is like a cuddly puppy that needs a tight leash. Obama's got the new White House dog, Bo, trained, but Biden is still leaking all over the place.

Maybe Obama should switch from a leash to a shock collar.

About this torture deal. If you want to get the detainees to talk, don't waterboard them. Beer bong them. Think about it: how many secrets have you spilled while you're drunk? I've been so drunk that I've taken credit for 9-11.

You know I'm right. Take these guys to a strip club and starting doing shooters. They'll talk. Obama won't have any problems releasing those torture photos. He could probably sell them to Hustler.

If you really want to terrorize the terrorists, buy them a lap dance from Nancy Pelosi. 

Whatever

So Obama's big tax plan is "soak the rich." With all this waterboarding stuff going on, that's a scary thought.

Obama is fighting the release of photos showing detainees undergoing enhanced interrogation. I think that pretty much answers the big question. If you don't want people to see it, it's torture.

Actually, Obama doesn't want to release the photos for humanitarian reasons. The pictures make detainees look fat.

Obama says that releasing the photos will just inflame anti-American sentiment. Is any body still pro-American? What have we got to lose? Even Americans are anti-American.

I think we should stop torturing. It's just not American. It violates our ideals and the rule of law. Let's just stick with the non-controversial stuff. You know, using robot planes to bomb women and children. Nobody's protesting that.

I actually think waterboarding is effective. Waterboarding has certainly gotten Dick Cheney to talk. Before waterboarding, the guy barely said two words. My question is what techniques has the CIA developed to shut people up?

We've lost just under 5,000 soldiers in Afghanistan protecting ourselves from terrorists. Meanwhile, more than 72,000 people a year are killed by car crashes and guns. Our vice president shot a guy in the face. What I want to know is this: who is going to protect us from our fellow Americans?

A Senate vote last week allows people to carry loaded guns in our national parks. Republican Senator Tom Coburn stuck that amendment onto a credit card bill. I like this law. Haven't we all, at one time or another, wanted to shoot the people at the neighboring campsite?

Coburn says that people need to be able to protect themselves against criminals at national parks. Yeah, if I'm a criminal looking for a big score, forget banks and liquor stores. I'm driving 2,000 miles to Yellowstone. "Okay, give me the picnic basket and nobody gets hurt."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said last week that the CIA lied to her about its use of waterboarding and other harsh interrogation techniques. Asked at a press conference if she thought waterboarding was justified in a time of war, Pelosi said, "Wait a minute - we're in a WAR?"

What a Steal

Big night in baseball this week. Jayson Werth of the Philadelphia Phillies did something only 49 players have accomplished since World War II. He passed a urine test.

Actually Werth stole second, third and home all in one inning. Only the vendors selling $10 beers were doing more stealing.

I was surfing around online last night and I saw some amazing video of a suitcase getting sucked into a jet engine. I kind of miss the days when the airlines ruined your luggage by hand.

General Mills is in trouble with the FDA for the health claims it's making about Cheerios. I guess they did go to far. I looked at the box. It is a questionable claim. It says "Cheerios can lower Dick Cheney's cholesterol 4% in six weeks."

Former eBay CEO Meg Whitman is running for Governor of California. She says she's going to run the state like a business. I thought we had been running the state like a business. I mean, California is just as broke as GM, AIG and Chrysler.

Apparently, Manny Ramirez of the Los Angeles Dodgers was using drug a female fertility drug. They gave him a 50 suspension after he failed a pelvic exam.

A female fertility drug enhances athletic performance? Who knew? I guess that explains why the Octomom is now batting cleanup for the Padres.

The price of a postage stamp as gone up to 44 cents. It's part of a government program to make it too expensive for terrorists to use mail bombs.

Dick Cheney has been on TV more than Oprah. In fact, they're just going to give him his own TV show: "American Asshole."

You know, Simon Cowell is going to leave "American Idol." They're gonna need a new jerk. Why not give the slot to Cheney? I mean the show is torturing millions of viewers every week.

I guess the the government is going to release some CIA memos revealing that waterboarding didn't reveal any useable confessions. Here's the best piece of information they got: Osama Bin Laden's nickname is Osama-Rama.

Maine is now the fifth state to legalize gay marriage. I knew something was up when I saw the cover of the new L.L. Bean Catalogue: a shirtless stud fly fishing in leather waders.

Now if you're gay, here's some fact about Maine. One: gay marriage is now legal. Two: even the cute guys all smell like Lobster tail.

Normal

Did you hear about this celebrity priest in Miami. Big scandal. The guy says he's got to choose between the woman he loves and the church he loves. This priest, Alberto Cutie, I guess he's on TV a lot. And he got caught by tabloid photographers kissing his 40-year-old girlfriend. They're saying it's a shocking violation of his celibacy vows. But a priest kissing a woman his own age? I call it shockingly normal.

That 50-game suspension baseball handed LA Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez is costing him a fortune. It's so bad, Ramirez is injecting himself with bailout funds.

I got my tax rebate. And guess what? It's taxable. It's like dealing with Tony Soprano.

Miss California may have to surrender her crown. Ever since Carrie Prejean won the pageant, she's been hit with scandals over breast implants and nude photos. Fake boobs? Nudie photos? I thought those were mandatory entry requirements for the Miss California pageant.

Miss California also caused a stir when she said she personally was against gay marriage. It was an honest answer. She thinks marriage is between a traditional union between a man and a woman. Like mine. I've been married for 25 years. I do all the shopping and cooking. I collect Fiestaware and antique egg beaters. There's nothing gay about it.

MIss Prejean's fate is going to be decided by that paragon, Donald Trump, who says that "she's a seriously good-looking woman." I think it's only fair that the final call will be made by a fake boob.

Kiefer Sutherland, the guy who plays anti-terrorist nut job Jack Bauer on '24,' is in trouble for head butting a fashion designer over the weekend. Keifer explained that he was preparing for the next season of '24,' in which he will foil a terrorist plot to force America's top models to wear burkas.